It’s been 3 months already since my mom was gone. And that is also how long I wrote this post. It is just now that I have finished writing it. Aside from delivering my baby, this is probably be the most difficult time in my life. I’ve been through a lot of pressure, making wise decisions and stress. You may see me smiling but what I’m really feeling is pain…
February 16 – 17, 2010:
I was at work when I received a PM from my sister-in-law (Ate Cleng) informing me that my dad is trying to reach me on my phone. I immediately checked my phone and indeed I have a lot of missed calls and texts from my dad. I hurriedly called him and asked what happened. He asked me to talk to this lady from admitting. She said that my mom needs to be admitted and needs to stay in ICU! Tears trickled down my eyes and blood rushed through my veins! Just hearing the word ICU makes me think of critical things that could happen!
Based from my dad’s story: They went to their usual check up and laboratory tests in University Medical Center (UMC / DSLU Dasma). While waiting for their turn, my mom suddenly felt like urinating so my dad brought her to the wash room. She wasn’t talking that time so my dad asked her what she feels. Then she fainted… Dad brought her to the ER and the attending says she needs to be confined. Since then, I’ve been attending to my mom.
After my shift, my hubby and I went to PhilHealth to get my MDR since she is my dependent. We fetched my dad from our house since he was there to get some things. We then went to ICU to check on my mom. It’s really hard seeing her in that situation. You can’t talk to her, you don’t even know if she can still recognize you or not. Her CT scan shows a massive bleed in the left part of her brain. Her neurologist says that she needs to undergo a test called CT angiogram of the brain because they need to find the cause of her bleed. They advised us to do this procedure in Makati Medical Center (MMC) because they don’t have the equipment. I asked my friend doctor from The Medical City (TMC) if they could do CT angio to my mom and she confirmed that they also have this. Knowing the price of TMC, I consulted my brother (Alex) whether to move my mom or not. Instead of going back and forth from Makati Med and UMC, we decided to move my mom from UMC to TMC.
February 18 – March 3, 2010:
UMC’s ambulance drove us all the way from Dasmarinas, Cavite to Ortigas. We arrived at The Medical City at 2:30pm. They prepped her up for some tests and for CT angio. They didn’t find any sign of aneurysm so her neuro surgeon (Dr. Francis Santiago) explained that he needs to perform Angiogram to further check. Dr. Santiago performed this procedure last Feb. 20. After several discussions with fellow neurologists, they informed us that they were unable to find the source of bleed but they are positive that there is no aneurysm! They said that the brain will just absorb the blood within 2-3 months! We were discharged from TMC on March 3rd and was advised to monitor mom’s vital signs. Before we were discharged, mom can still speak and can still recognize people.
During mom’s stay in TMC, Alex (3rd brother) and I alternately stayed with my mom in the hospital. He stays in the hospital while I work and goes back to their house in Las Pinas to get some sleep. Mom was in Medical ICU (MICU) then Neuro ICU (NICU). After a week, she was transferred to the regular room for another week. When your patient is in ICU, you can only be with them during visiting hours! Outside this time, you should be in the ICU waiting room or within the hospital premises. There are only chairs and cabinets in the ICU waiting room so you have to bring something that you could sleep on at night. Learning from my ICU experience in UMC, I brought our huge beach towel and a blanket! As early as 8:30pm, I’m starting to mark my space and unroll my stuff so I could be ready to go to sleep! I also brought my macbook to keep me company and watched movies to keep me entertained! My mom’s stay in TMC was the most difficult time of my life. I have to balance my time with mom, daughter, husband and work! Thanks to my friend doctor, Angelene for listening to my griefs and helping me on what to do and preparing me on what to expect to happen…
March 3 – 7, 2010:
We brought my mom home in the afternoon of March 3rd. Thanks to my understanding mother-in-law, she allowed my mom to stay in their house. I hired a mid – wife from TMC (Coralyn) to take care of my mom. As much as possible, I don’t want to hire anyone for my mom. But it left me with no choice because I also have work and family to take care of! Her rate was Php 800 / 8hrs., probably because I got her from TMC! Ever since we took my mom home, she didn’t speak or respond to a word that we were saying. She doesn’t have NGT so it took hours before she can finish her meal. She also doesn’t have any foley catheter attached so we didn’t know how much urine she actually urinates! Afternoon of March 5, I embraced my mom and felt something hard on her tummy. I asked my friend doctor what that is and because she can’t see it, she can’t diagnose what that really is. She went to our house the next day and informed me that something hard is her bladder! We found out that she’s no longer urinating on her own so it accumulated over time. Since I have work during that day, she bought things needed to remove that urine (catheter, jelly, gloves etc.). When I came home, she showed me how to do it because I have to do it myself next time. So I did the next day! It actually took me 3x to try before I was successful! My friend says that if my mom’s blood pressure drops along with a fever, we must immediately bring her to the hospital because it is an indication of a complication and possible septic shock. That scenario did happen the night of March 7 so we brought her to Philippine Heart Center (PHC) to get away from TMC’s humongous bill!
March 8 – 29, 2010:
Mom was admitted and stayed in ICU for 2 wks! Her neurologist informed us that based from her CT scan, they can no longer find any blood! So her brain must have already absorbed all of it! They were actually surprised when they saw the amount of blood that was there when we were in TMC! She was just monitored during her stay in PHC. She was dehydrated, sodium levels went up and her blood sugar is dependent on insulin. Most of the time, Jing was the one who stayed with mom in the hospital as I am working and taking care of Nicole. After 3 wks, we were finally discharged and paid for like Php25K.
March 30 – May 26, 2010:
I make it a point that she is comfortable during her stay in our house. I learned how to go to Bambang just to save a few extra bucks in her medical supplies and diapers. I continued her physical therapy to exercise her muscles and joints. I also continued on paying a caregiver to take care of her so I can also take care of my family.
At this point, my friend doctor informed me that I need to talk to my dad and brothers regarding my mom. She asked me If I’m ready to take care of my mom as long as she lives this would be long term care. She may be ok now but her infections would be unavoidable no matter how great your caregiver is! If I’m willing to spend all of our money for her medicines despite the fact that we’re still not sure if she will recover or not. I didn’t bother talking to my dad and 2nd brother about it because ever since I brought mom to the hospital dad says that mom already had an agreement with him that in case something happens, we should no longer treat her. When I informed my 2nd brother about what happened to mom, he told me: “Tanungin mo ung doctor kung may pag-asa pa si mama” (“Ask the doctor if mom still has hope”). What the??!! I know we have to be practical but we also have to hope for the best!
When I was little, I told my mom that when I get married, I would bring her home with me. Since we don’t have our own house yet, I just asked her to wait for the condo unit that I got for her to be turned over. I never imagined her staying in our house like this! Specially my baby, Nicole! As a grandma, she should be playing with her grand daughter. She should have enjoyed hearing Nicole sing and seeing her dance! As much as possible, I don’t want Nicole to see her like this because this would be the only memory that she would have of her grandma! But I don’t have any other choice… I don’t want mom to stay with my dad! But seeing her each day like this is so painful for me. Everyday I looked at her in the eyes, it’s just empty. It’s as if mom is no longer there. What’s even more hard is I have to decide on everything that I would do with my her because I’m the only one here and all of my brothers are out of the country! I practically carried all of the burden, EMOTIONALLY and FINANCIALLY! Only my 3rd brother (Alex and I) were not yet ready for mom to go. That’s why we still continued to give the best for her! But when I talked to Alex about mom’s condition, we both agreed on letting her go and accepted the fact that things like this happens.
May 26, 2010:
The dreaded time has come! Around 3pm of May 25th, our helper, Ate Dell woke me up saying that there’s something wrong with mom. I went downstairs to check on her and the moment I saw her condition, I already have a feeling that the time is near. She was chilling for no apparent reason. Her BP is dropping and also has fever. Probably due to an infection. I know that I have prepared for this and knows that mom is for DNR but I’m having second thoughts of bringing her to the hospital again. While waiting for my hubby to bring her back to the hospital, my father in law called one of his friends who happens to be a doctor. He advised me to bring my mom immediately to the hospital. When he left, I prayed hard and called my brother Alex. I asked him to talk to mom and I also informed her that she needs to wait for my 2nd brother, Ronald because he will be off board and will come back here in the country by next week. For some unknown reason, she stopped chilling, her BP and temperature became normal. So I was a bit relieved. I informed my friend doctor what happened and she said that even though mom’s condition is normal now, it will happen again anytime within 24 hrs. I talked to my brother again and he said that he will agree on whatever decision that I will make! Being the only one in the country, I have to make this decision. I can’t talk to dad because he was the one who doesn’t want to continue treating mom ever since this happened to her. It’s tough but I have to decide. I have to accept the fact that there are things that we need to let go. So I decided to leave mom to God’s hands. I didn’t go to work that night because I know that it’s mom’s time. I want to be with her when she leaves. I laid down beside her and prayed the rosary. I hugged her and told her how much I loved her. I no longer want to see her in pain and just wants her to be happy. At around 2am, as I was about to prepare her meal, she started chilling again! Her caregiver woke up and I’m now ready. I felt so helpless just watching her in pain like this. I know I could have done better but I think that it’s the right thing to do. I asked for forgiveness and told her not to be afraid. Around 2am that time, she had her final breath and I was actually relieved that all of her pain is now gone.
To my mom who loves me unconditionally, you know that I will always love you and would do anything for you. Where ever you may be, I hope that you’re truly happy. We may have misunderstandings from the past but I thank you for not giving up on me! Your memories will always remain in my heart.
P.S. To my brother, Alex, thank you for the support that you gave me. Even if it costs you a lot to go back here in Philippines!
